When you’re chronically under the influence of a substance, you’re bound to act in ways you wouldn’t otherwise. This means that when you get sober, you might have regrets.
Living with regret can be painful, but it doesn’t have to hold you back. In fact, if you’re having regrets, it means you are starting to process your addiction days and can decide how to move forward. An important thing to remind yourself is that it doesn’t help anyone—even people you might have hurt—to ruminate. It won’t change anything. What will help is to commit to growth, so that you won’t repeat past actions.
12-step fellowships like AA ask that at a certain point in sobriety, you make amends to the people you wronged in addiction. Even if like me, AA hasn’t been for you, taking responsibility is a powerful way to transform regret into action.
But before you contact someone, it’s important to consider whether they would benefit from your apology. If you don’t think they would, the apology is only for you and will not be meaningful.
You don’t have to rely on another person to forgive you in order to forgive yourself. If you decide an apology wouldn’t be the right thing—or if the person doesn’t accept your apology—you can still take responsibility. That looks like acknowledging what you did, even if to yourself, and making a plan to do better. Then you can move on without fixating.
I’ve heard it said that when you get sober, emotionally you are the age you were before you became addicted. Of course, you’re your actual age, but it’s a good metaphor for the amount of emotional growth that happens in recovery.
What this means for dealing with regrets is that you can see them as another opportunity for learning, growing, and healing. They don’t have to be a tape you play over and over with no solution. You can use them as points of curiosity; the things you regret most are likely the things that least align with your values. You can practice living in closer alignment to your true values.
Sometimes, people don’t have any specific regret; they simply regret the fact that they were addicted at all. Maybe they feel they wasted time, money, or opportunities.
Addiction is not a moral failing. You can forgive yourself for having an addiction while still taking accountability for the harms you caused while using substances. Regretting your active addiction won’t stop it from having happened. All you can do is move forward and recognize that recovery is an incredible opportunity.
Being weighed down by regret not only affects your quality of life, but it can also increase your chances of relapse. People stuck in regret are in a constant loop of rumination, guilt, and shame. Living in these emotions often makes people want to drink or use. But regrets themselves don’t have to be a cause for concern. They can teach us how we want to live.
If you are struggling with a substance use or mental health disorder, there is hope. TruHealing Centers across the country offer high-quality treatment for addiction and mental health disorders. Our staff—many of whom are in recovery themselves—will help you build healthy coping skills, and a life in recovery you won’t regret. Call an admissions specialist at 410-593-0005.
